-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
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Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.