How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
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My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Is fructose made with real fruct?
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I hate when that happens.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
These are too funny not to post 😂
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Watson was Holmes schooled
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!