Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
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Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.