I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
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Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
So we got a goldfish…
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions