Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
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[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I’m being attacked 😭
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.