This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
You Might Also Like
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.