I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
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[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
My dad.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
very niche meme I made
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Lol #dogsoftwitter
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god