Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
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If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Worst perfume name ever.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
won’t smith
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood