Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
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A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting