Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
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A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.