Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
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“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
the dark web is just a goth google.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Duolingo getting serious.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.