guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
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People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves