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My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
choose your gary
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Woke up against my better judgement again
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*