Life with a cat in one tweet
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Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
SCARY COSTUME
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!