[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
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Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Woke up against my better judgement again
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I wish I were this cool 😂
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.