Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
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Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Legend 🤣🤣
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.