walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
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The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Every time my phone rings
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”