If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
You Might Also Like
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.