The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
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For cardio I live beyond my means.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?