Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
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Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
one of
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Its true…
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please