Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
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A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.