Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
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*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
#Caturday
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
There’s never enough good news
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby