My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
You Might Also Like
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Body by Oreos
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
My Sentiments Exactly
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.