Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
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who will stop them
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”