Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
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Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.