once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
You Might Also Like
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
This is true.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.