Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. đ
You Might Also Like
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then itâs definitely me.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Mafia Boss: youâre gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: weâre not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
Iâm going to save so much money on college.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
I can never say the word âruralâ without sounding like Scooby Doo.
whatâs wrong, babe, youâve hardly played your juitar
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when youâre depressed? a carrot? weâre all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Hospital bills feel like:
Hereâs a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’