I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
You Might Also Like
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
the simulation is moving too fast
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t