People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
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My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
#damn
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Best spot.. 😅
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered