Jogging has never helped my memory.
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A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes