Everyone in the gym on January 1st
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It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Ah yes. The three genders
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”