We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
You Might Also Like
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Girl, same.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
How it started How it’s going
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor