You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
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[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
idk what he going thru but i feel him
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.