“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
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i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.