A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
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If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Nice try, poison.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now