I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
You Might Also Like
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆