i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
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Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later: