*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
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Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.