ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
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You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky