I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
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Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands