COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
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I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
My current situation