[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
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Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I created you as mosquito food.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.