“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
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I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
my fav colour is also hitler
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
My new favorite headline
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”