My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
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[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.