Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
You Might Also Like
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away