[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
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COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
iPhone X
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!