ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
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idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.