Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
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“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}