Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
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Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.