But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
You Might Also Like
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.